There are many counselors who promote effective communication as being the answer to relationship problems and issues. And in one way they are right. Without improved communication many relationship problems and issues cannot be put right.

Does this mean we have to drag the reluctant partner off to counseling with a qualified and experienced therapist so that effective communication can occur? Well, not necessarily. And many people choose not to go.

One of the first things to realize is that we already have an exceptionally effective communication system already functioning in each of our relationships. You might not like the results of your effective communication system, but that doesn’t make it any the less effective.

What do I mean that we all have effective communication systems in our relationship? How can I say that when the person in the relationship is totally closed down and won’t listen to a word that is being said?

Think about it for a minute. If the person you are trying to relate to is totally closed down, haven’t they effectively communicated something of real importance to you without, often, even saying a word?

Much communication is by body language. When someone turns their back on you as you are attempting to speak, that is communication. If their face tightens and changes color (slightly), then that is a form of communication, and usually you get the message very quickly. Effective communication is happening. It is just that you do not like the outcome - you are not getting the response you want from them.

So what you are looking at is your responsibility in your relationship. Now before you get uppity and emotional and demand that relationships are a two way commitment, just stop for a minute.

By responsibility I am meaning the ABILITY you have to receive the RESPONSE you want from the other person. That is your responsibility. If you don’t receive the response you want then it is up to you to do something different in your relationship.

The communication you give to another person is the communication as the person who is receiving the message takes it. So if what you are saying and doing - because it is always more than just the words you use, it is your body language, your voice tone, as well as the meanings of words - if what you saying and doing is causing them to completely close down, then that form of communication is not working for them.

Start to think laterally, so you can effectively communicate your message. I’ll discuss a bit more about this later.

I would like you to stop and think about the purpose of your effective communication.

Do you want to just give a list of things they should change, like
• Don’t just drop all your gear on the floor as you come through the door
• Don’t expect to make love just because you feel like it in the mornings
• Don’t go into the kitchen and make a mess and expect me to clean up after you
• I want you to take your fair share of dealing with the kids
• I want you to tell me you love and admire me and what I’m doing for the family
• And so on, ad nauseum

If the purpose of your effective communication is all about what you expect them to change, then that is not likely to work. They are often quite happy with the way they function, and by the way, they have their list of what they would like you to do differently and many ways they would like you to be different. Wouldn’t you be irritated to be nagged effectively?

If, however, you want to make the relationship better for both of you then you need to think about how to MAKE it better for BOTH of you. What motivates the other person? What do they want? How will they know that you love and cherish them? To explore this further look at Lee Baucom’s Ebook.

For more on relationships, communication and dealing with issues and problems, sign up for our free mini-course

HP
22 Jan 2009

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