Are you sure it is over? There is a magic to making up and it may be that while your relationship is over as far as your partner is concerned (today) you may feel differently. So what can you do if you are getting over a breakup?

Others have dealt with this and you might like to explore the avenues recommended by TW (TW Jackson). He has some very clear recommendations that have worked for lots of others.

If it is really over there are lots of things which will support you through this time.

The first thing to do is to accept that the break up has happened. You might still be trying to change the outcome, you might be devastated, you might be overwhelmed by all sorts of negative feelings, but you need to accept that it has happened.

You can still hold out hope that you might get back together and that is OK but you have to accept that the break has happened. Why? Because it causes less pain that way and helps you to make better decisions about the next step. You don’t want to wallow in pain - its… painful!

At all costs you need to avoid terrorizing your now ex partner by phone calls and text messaging. You might like to take TW's advice.

The next thing is to give yourself some space - physical and emotional space. Getting over a breakup takes time and space. Physically remove yourself so you don’t see them and so others don’t have to see you in your devastated state. Emotionally give yourself some time and some physical space. You need a place to cry and to rant and rave in safety where there will be no come back on you. You won’t be particularly rational while you let yourself go through your emotional storm and you don’t want to get into trouble with your ex, your family or the law.

So let yourself feel. Be aggrieved and angry and bitter and all of those other feelings - but just for a short time. Don’t keep feeding these negative feelings. Let yourself feel and then start to ask yourself some useful questions. Actually getting over a breakup starts with asking yourself better questions.

• Before the breakup did I really enjoy being with them? Or were they a useful social prop?
• Did we have good sex? Or was it just so-so?
• Did we enjoy spending time together? Did they meet my needs? Did I meet their needs? Did we agree on how we should spend our time?
• Did we agree on how we used the space where we lived?
• How much did we have in common?
• Could this be a long term relationship? Once over the emotional anger and embarrassment of the breakup, would I really want to be with this person long term, and why? Or why not?

If it is time to move on then you need to very promptly get another life. You need a meaning in life separate and apart from your ex. You need to move on. Spend as much time and energy on yourself for a while as you would have spent on your ex. Take time to work out what is important to you and how to be a person who is attractive to others so others want to be around you. This might take a little time, especially if you have never thought about what is really important in life.

Now is the time to be self protective. Protect yourself financially, emotionally, socially and in every other way. If your finances are entwined start to sort them out. If they are not then you still need to be very careful that your breakup does not interfere with your productivity at work, as you still need an income.

Becoming single again (whether temporarily or semi-permanently) is a process. Getting over a breakup requires that you do something different. So be gentle on yourself and take action.

HP
20 Jan 2009

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