Marriage problems are never nice. Marriage problems are something we never want to have to admit to. But marriage problems are actually normal. They happen in almost every marriage I know and I’ve been around a few years.

There has been a huge change in society’s attitudes to marriage over the years. In the past the assumption was that if a couple had marriage problems then they had to be given time and support to work through them.

The husband would be taken to the pub by his father or in-laws and be given a few words of wisdom over a pint of beer while leaning over the bar with swirls of smoke coming from their or other bar patrons’ cigarettes. The wife would have interminable cups of tea around the meal table with her and his parents, not to mention friends and others.

The assumption was that they would stay together and work things out.

Today it seems to be quite different. Now there seems to be the assumption that the first suggestion of problems it cascades quickly down the track of needing time out, to separation, to divorce, with each side making loud condemnation of the other partner’s shortcomings.

So how can we avoid cascading down the slippery slope to divorce? Or do we want to avoid it?

Let me make it clear - there is a time and a place for divorce. When one or both is being so destructive to the other that life becomes a menace divorce needs to be considered. If your life is threatened or if it is being so totally controlled, confined and defined by the other person that you have no personal space whatsoever then probably divorce is necessary.

But divorce has a huge cost. Divorced people die earlier and have more illness than married people. Divorce is incredibly expensive. And it takes two years, on average to learn to move on after a divorce. So it is not something to undertake unless it is absolutely essential.

Marriage problems are everywhere. They always have been and always will be. But that doesn’t mean they have to be a terminal disease that leads automatically to divorce.

It is easy to name the big problems:
• loss of trust due to adultery or continuous lying about things of real importance,
• the impact of drugs and violence in a relationship,
• the desperate need to control another person and other abusive behaviors

But equally disagreements about how to manage money, how to deal with differences in sexual interest and the slow loss of interest associated with a loss of attentiveness to each other are also contributors to marriage problems. And usually where there is one problem there is more than one.

But the real issue is for you - what do you perceive your problems to be?

And for your spouse - what do they perceive the problems to be?

And quite often there is no connection or shared reality there at all.

But even worse than that…

It is often very difficult to listen to what your partner needs because you feel they never listen to you.

Well I have a message for you… Marriage isn’t a bank - it isn’t trust in, trust out, you listen to me, I’ll listen to you. It is much more complicated than that.

The BIG, BIG marriage problem has to do with managing your emotions. That is very difficult when you are feeling very hurt, or afraid, or ignored, or angry, or frustrated, or any of the other big emotions.

Pain of any sort gets in the way of communication. Pain drives your negative emotions and angry responses feel justified.

 Go to page 2 Marriage Issues

HP
22 Jan 2009

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